I may have needed some encouragement from Sam Smith (I literally played “Burning” on repeat while cleaning) but I managed to get myself up this morning to clean the apartment, not because I had to, but because I actually wanted to.
This is an important revelation, as when you’re suffering from depression, everything in your life feels like a have to. I have to show up to the family gathering. I have to go to the party. I have to put on a brave face at work. You literally lose touch with the things that you actually want to do. The big deal and the victory for me was that for the first time in a very long time, I actually wanted to clean as part of a self care promise I had made to myself yesterday.
I got up with quite a debilitating headache, and I figured I was in for a low day, but around 9am I decided it was time to spring into action. This is clearly a departure from three weeks ago, where I couldn’t even get up from out of bed to throw in a load of washing. It was therapeutic in a way, being focused on a single task, and knowing that I was doing something that would bring happiness to my day. I feel really good having achieved something, having taken a proactive step to clean my living space, and giving myself room (physically and emotionally) to carry on with the good momentum I’ve been generating as part of my recovery and treatment.
I’m learning to appreciate the small things and to remember to acknowledge my victories, no matter how small they may be. One foot in front of the other.
Conrad was here.