Before my depression diagnosis I used to schedule meditations into my weekday evenings after work, but I found myself becoming so very robotic and militant about them, that they almost became a burden and a source of anxiety when I simply didn’t have the energy to get to them, or when I was running late on a particular day.
Little did I know that I didn’t have to have a rigorous schedule regarding prioritising mindfulness, and it was something that you could do “until you were pulled towards doing something else”. There are no rules regarding how, when, where and for how long you should meditate on any given day. I had this Eastern idea (or stereotype) of doing so for hours on end in my mind and always thought I was failing if I didn’t want to do it for 30 minutes to an hour. The fact that I can be flexible with it comes from some great advice from the coach I’ve been working with, who told me she has been meditating for years and years, subsequently kicking her anti-depressants almost 20 years ago as a result of the long term benefits she has experienced from doing so daily.
A colleague at work told me to check out Headspace, a mindfulness app you can download to your phone. They provide ten days of short meditations between 3 and 10 minutes, so I decided to take the plunge and download the app last night, with hopes that I would get up and spend at least 10 minutes going through the first guided meditation. In the past I had simply listened to any 30 minute meditation I could find on Youtube, which worked for me at times, but often after 10 or 15 minutes I’d find myself starting to disconnect with the process as my mind starts to wander about the next task on my to-do list. Stubborn to a tee and wanting to “tick the box” so to speak, I would carry on with the meditation and hope that it would be beneficial to me in the long run, only really growing resentful about it over time. Well, as we saw, my breakdown in June still happened and I didn’t manage to reap many benefits from taking this approach, so it was time to try something else.
So this morning I completed the first of 10 training videos, and it was a good experience. It takes time and practice and consistency, but I definitely think it is going to help me quite a bit, because it already made it a little easier for me to be clearer about the day ahead, and helped me through the biggest stumbling block in my depression: getting up from bed and into the shower. Once I can achieve that, the day does seem to gain momentum slowly and surely, but the struggle is definitely not letting my anxiety and the worries of the day take over my mind before I’ve even lifted my head from the pillow.
The goal for now is to complete 10 of these 10 minute meditations between now and the end of the month, to see if I can start enjoying the process and learning to operate from a more mindful place in my mornings. I think it’s particularly important now that the doctor has taken me off the anti-anxiety meds, and I’m relying solely on the anti-depressants for the next six months. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – they are simply one tool to help me recover, not a quick fix or a “magic pill” – I’ll have to keep doing work in terms of my diet, get more active where possible, and also use positive support systems (like family and friends, as well as therapy and coaching) to cope with ongoing day-to-day pressures. I’ve also realised that while the lifestyle changes right now are not providing immediate benefits, they definitely will have affected my life six months down the line. I’m looking forward to going into 2019 with a renewed outlook and I’m taking stock of the lessons I’m learning on a daily basis. Hopefully I’ll look back on this difficult time with a smile on my face.
Conrad was here.